Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Gnome Wars, part II (see prev post)
Gnomes are among the most savage creatures in the garden. Sure, they look all happy and plump, the Santa Clauses of the back yard, so to speak.
But over the millennium, gnomes have been secret guardians of the human race, protecting us from gargoyles, vampires and the evil people who make Styrofoam.
From their hidden places under ferns and rhododendrons, they keep watch on our houses, providing a security net that would put ADT Security to shame.
They go through intensive training at a place known only to Homeland Security, and as a sign of their rank, their hats change colors over time from red (the lowest rank, private, if you will) to the highest rank of blue.
This last ranking can only be bestowed by the leaders of gnomes, a secret race known as 'Publishers.' I can't tell you more about "Publishers," because, as I said, it's a secret. In order to penetrate this secret society, you must first master an ancient art form named 'query.'
It is important that you know this, as only then can you understand why a gnome attacked me when I turned all vampire and tried to savage the other authors at Printers Row.
So when my fangs erupted from my jaws, and the blood lust soaked my brain, I turned to the authors, frantic for what lay under their thobbing jugulars.
And that's when the gnome attacked.
It was a fearsome blue cap gnome, and we struggled furiously.
With my superior vampire speed, strength and hygiene, I expected to prevail easily against my small prey, but I did not count on his ferocity and pin point strikes. He prodded my defenses, hoping to find a way to pierce my black heart with his lethal pointy hat.
We fought, casting great sweeping blows against one another. Once, he counterattacked my foot sweep, and I was nearly impaled, almost ending my dark reign as an undead.
But I swept him off his sturdy little legs, breaking them in the process, and he fell to the bricked ground with a helpless thunk.
I leaped on him, planning on sinking fangs into his stubby neck, and converting him to my evil ways. But I knew little how powerful a blue capped gnome really is.
As my dripping fangs neared him, he called on the power of the sun .. which is a fearsome enemy of our kind.
But as a kind gnome, he took mercy on me, and used the sun only to cast my vampire self away from me.
I staggered as the sun's energy fought for my soul, until finally a whoosh accompanied the black shadow that launched itself away from me, leaving me exhausted and beaten ... but not really beaten, for I felt the fangs subside as I became human again.
My worth opponent had taken my best shot, and though he lay broken on the ground, he managed a smile for the return of my humanity.
Gnomey is retired now, with a full pension, and we sit around the pool drinking and seeing who can tell the biggest whopper.